My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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