just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
