party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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