and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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