Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
