I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
