I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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