I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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