just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
