Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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