this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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