I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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