Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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