do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
