My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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