6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
