can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad