Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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