grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
