the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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