i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I met the friendliest cop last night
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
