Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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