how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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