True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
