my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
