She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
