somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
