I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
