happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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