I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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