He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
