The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
