They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
