Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
