remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
