Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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