You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Don't tell me you're on acid again
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
