Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry about my life...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
