R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Randomize
