1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My hand turned me down
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
