I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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