so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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