The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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