Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??