I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.