I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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