Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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