Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
