Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
