from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize