I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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