Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
