Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
