Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
