If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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