i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
