Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
