totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
