I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
