Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
