It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
