I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
