I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
