Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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